November was a hard month for me. There was my daughter’s birthday and the six-year anniversary of her death. Days that I dreaded for weeks and then spent staying frantically busy to avoid feeling anything. Days that stayed on my mind and heart for a while after they were done. A friend lost her husband. Some of my family are struggling with issues I can’t fix. Thanksgiving was a bust and there were numerous little household items to be repaired or replaced and the budget was stretched way too much. The weather has been awful and where I live is likely to be ugly for a while.

When I am missing my daughter more than usual I find that others lost long ago also are on my mind. In my seventy-seventh year there are more than a few lives ended to recall. In my fourth year my maternal grandmother died far too young. That was my first funeral and now it seems to me that all those to follow were much the same kind of event. Hugs and handshakes. Flowers and music. Tears and nervous laughter. And of course, preaching. Three more grandparents to bury before I was twenty. Then my dad when he was only fifty-six years old. That was the hardest thing I had to do up until that time. Mom several years later and my closest cousin after that. So death is no stranger to me and I have come to accept it with some small grace. When I am keeping it light I remind myself and whoever cares to listen that none of us are getting out of here alive.

Now four days into December I am trying to find a little holiday spirit. The tree is up with more than fifty years’ worth of ornaments, each with a memory attached. Today I baked the first batch of cookies and allowed myself a couple. Not too many because I have finally got my weight under control and will not go back to fat. There is one way to brighten just about any day for me — great grandbabies! One just had her fourth birthday on December 1. She and I had a girl’s day out. She picked out dresses, shoes, a coat and of course a couple of toys. Her sister, who is five going on thirty, will have to have a day of her own and that will be just as lovely. The baby, about seven months old now, won’t have a shopping with Granny Day yet. But he is a joy just to crawl around on the floor with and his laugh is magical. So these December holidays have possibilities.