Today I got my camera out of the closet and charged up the battery. Then I installed the accompanying software onto the computer and spent time studying the manual for the camera and online instructions for uploading pictures and printing them. So what? Well this camera was a gift from my family that Teri choose. She and I intended for me to learn about photography with her. Her death last November canceled those plans. I tried to take a few pictures during the holidays but I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus through tears. So I put the camera away for a while.
There have been only small changes in the grief her father and I are living through. The wound is still raw, but bleeding less. We are very gradually able to be in the company of friends and enjoy that. We are taking care of legal matters that we were unable to even think about at first. Just last week we traveled south for a visit with my brother and his family that gave us both a few much needed relaxed days. For the most part we deal with one day at a time now. At first five minutes without breaking apart was a challenge.
Personally I have found setting short term goals one at a time and only moving on to the next when each is met. One of the first Thanksgiving dinner. Check. Next was to host a reveal party for my pregnant granddaughter. Check. Then Christmas. Check.
When we left the hospital after Teri’s death I brought with me among her things a tote bag of knitting projects she always had with her. It sat in the corner of the spare bedroom until the end of January because I could not even look at it any sooner. The last day of January I dumped it all out, rolled up the balls of yarn and took the unfinished items to a knitting shop to get someone to complete them. Those are ready to be picked up and I will give them to the grandkids. Check.
Today it was start taking pictures. Check. Next I want to get back to going to meetings of the Paducah Free Thinkers. I miss those guys.
On Tuesday I get to go to Brittany’s doctor appointment with her and on Sunday I will provide refreshments for her baby shower.
In this journey I feel like a baby crawling along and just beginning to pull up with something to hold on to, but not really ready to take that first step and then walk. But I am crawling faster and standing longer so walking can’t be that far away. Baby steps advance down the road slowly at best, but they will get me there — eventually.