I think I can

I think I can.  I say this to myself a lot.  I think I can.  Just a little engine trudging up the mountain, giving it all I got.  I think I can.  I think I can be strong for my family to lean on me.  I think I can maintain this old house and make room in it for another grandchild until she is able to have a place of her own.  I think I can care for a one year old while her mom attends classes.  Oh, my goodness I hope I can! I think I can stretch the budget to include some of what we want as well as all that we need.

I think I can manage the care of my mother-in-law as she declines in her old age.  I even think I can handle my own advancing age as it comes along.

I don’t always think I can. Many things are beyond me, even with my best effort.  I already know that I cannot take care of this house and yard if my husband is not here or should not be able.  I think I will manage to sell it all and go elsewhere.

My mind settled on this phrase today when I was driving alone and crying my heart out, screaming even, because I miss my daughter.  For a moment I didn’t think I could pull myself together and get myself home.  But I did.  I always do.  When the doctors called us into a room to explain that Teri would not wake up again I repeated over and over as we walked down the hall to the room where she lay unconscious, I can do this.  I can do this. So I did because I had to.  I held her hand and talked to her softly as the machines showed a steadily slowing heartbeat.  When it stopped I turned to my husband and her children to comfort them and I telephoned her brother to inform him.  I did what I had to do because I think I can.

I think I can live happily most of the time.  I think I will be able to handle whatever comes next.  I think I can because to think I cannot is just to damn scary.

I think I can

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