Most of the time I live on the positive side. There is always something to be grateful for, always. The usual items on my daily gratitude list are still here, but there seems to be a black fog between me and whatever is good today. I woke up pissed that I woke up before the sun so I flopped around trying to go back to sleep, even knowing that would not happen because I had to pee and once I make that trip to the toilet going back to dreamland is out of the question. Coffee and the newspaper did not improve my disposition. Even the husband’s hugs and his having enough sense to let me be did not give me the usual lift.
My go to for these occasional bouts of the blahs is usually getting together with family and I thought about calling everybody and making supper, but today I just don’t have a decent dinner in me. What I have in me is grief. I understand this intellectually and generally have tools to manage it. I understand that I need to reach out for comfort. I got in touch with a good listener who listened. Still feeling down. I understand that I need to be kind to myself. I took a bubble bath and sat down with wine and a good book. Read the same damn paragraph over and over until I realized my brain could not hold onto the words.
The usual fixes aren’t working. The only place left for me to go is just accept that this day sucks. It sucks, it hurts and it is lasting too long. I miss my daughter. Always will. I will handle that better on other days. This day I just give up.